STAIR Narrative Therapy: 8. The Resource of Connection — Managing Power with Respect

Exploring how trauma can influence the way we experience power in relationships, and how respect for ourselves and others can help us navigate differences and difficulties.

Have you ever found yourself feeling intimidated by someone in authority, even when you have no clear reason to expect them to treat you badly?

Perhaps you find it difficult to disagree with a manager, feel anxious about asking for what you need, or worry that asserting yourself will lead to conflict. Alternatively, you might feel uncomfortable when you are the person responsible for making decisions or setting boundaries with someone else.

Power is part of many everyday relationships. It exists between colleagues, friends, partners, parents and children, and between professionals and the people they support.

For people who have experienced trauma, however, power can carry additional meaning. Experiences of abuse, exploitation or having little control over what happens to us can influence how we respond to differences in authority and influence later in life.

In this eighth article in my STAIR Narrative Therapy series, I explore power in relationships: how our experiences can shape the way we understand it, why managing power can sometimes feel difficult, and how respect can help us navigate these dynamics more effectively.

What does power mean in relationships?

Power in relationships refers to the influence, authority or control that one person may have in relation to another.

Sometimes, power is relatively equal. Friends, partners, colleagues or siblings may have broadly similar opportunities to express their views, make decisions and influence what happens.

In other relationships, one person has more formal authority or responsibility. An employer may have power in relation to an employee, a teacher in relation to a student, or a parent in relation to a child.

These differences are not automatically harmful. They are part of how many relationships and organisations function.

The important question is how power is exercised, how each person is treated, and whether there is room for dignity, fairness and respect.

When we have experienced interpersonal trauma, it can be difficult to separate the idea of power from the possibility of being harmed. We may have learned that people with authority cannot be trusted, that disagreement is dangerous or that having influence over someone inevitably means controlling them.

These associations are understandable in the context of harmful experiences. Yet power itself and the misuse of power are not the same thing.

STAIR Session 8 explores this distinction and considers how we might develop different ways of understanding and managing power in our relationships.

Three types of power balance

The STAIR model explores three broad types of power balance.

1. Relationships where power is equal

These may include friendships, partnerships, relationships with siblings or interactions with colleagues at a similar level.

Even when power is broadly equal, our experiences can influence how we perceive the relationship.

Someone who has experienced exploitation or abuse may be particularly alert to signs that another person might take advantage of them. They may interpret disagreement as a threat, struggle to trust others or feel the need to protect themselves by keeping people at a distance.

Another person may respond to the fear of being vulnerable by acting as though they have more power than the other person, attempting to remain in control to avoid feeling exposed.

These responses may have developed as ways of managing earlier experiences. However, they can sometimes make it harder to experience equality, cooperation and mutual understanding in the present.

2. Relationships where someone else has more power

These relationships may include interactions with employers, supervisors, teachers or other people who hold positions of authority.

For someone who has experienced abuse by a caregiver or another person with power, authority can trigger feelings of fear, anger, helplessness or anxiety.

A person may worry that making a mistake will lead to punishment, that disagreeing will have serious consequences, or that asking for support will be interpreted as weakness.

They may become overly accommodating, struggle to say no or find it difficult to ask for the resources and information they need.

At other times, they may interpret an authority figure’s actions as threatening before they have enough information to understand the situation fully.

Of course, people in authority can misuse their position, and concerns about unfairness or mistreatment should not automatically be dismissed as trauma-related reactions.

The aim is to develop a clearer understanding of the particular situation, recognising genuine warning signs while also allowing room for the possibility that an interaction may be different from previous experiences.

3. Relationships where we have more power

It is also important to consider situations in which we hold greater authority or responsibility.

These might include being a parent, employer, teacher, supervisor or someone responsible for supporting another person’s development.

For people who have experienced trauma, being in a position of power can feel uncomfortable. They may worry that having authority means they could become controlling or abusive, and consequently find it difficult to set appropriate boundaries or make necessary decisions.

Some people may avoid using their authority altogether, even when clear guidance or reasonable limits are needed.

Others may find themselves responding in ways that are overly forceful or controlling, perhaps particularly when they feel threatened, challenged or overwhelmed.

Recognising these patterns is not about labelling someone as good or bad. It is about understanding how previous experiences may influence our behaviour and learning to exercise power responsibly.

Having authority does not require us to abandon warmth, compassion or humility. Equally, treating others with respect does not mean avoiding difficult decisions or allowing boundaries to become unclear.

When power becomes associated with abuse

One of the important themes in STAIR is the way trauma can influence our understanding of power.

When someone has experienced abuse or exploitation, they may have learned that having less power means being vulnerable to harm. They may also have experienced situations in which their needs, feelings or rights were ignored.

Over time, these experiences can contribute to painful beliefs about the self, such as feeling worthless, believing that one’s needs do not matter or assuming that mistreatment was somehow deserved.

These beliefs can continue to affect relationships long after the original experiences have ended.

Someone may find it difficult to speak up because they believe their opinion has little value. Another person may feel that they must remain constantly alert to prevent themselves from being exploited. Someone else may feel ashamed of exercising authority, fearing that any assertion of power will make them like the people who hurt them.

Understanding these connections can help us recognise that our reactions may have a history, without assuming that every current difficulty is caused by trauma.

Most importantly, the responsibility for abuse lies with the person who chooses to perpetrate it. Being unable to defend ourselves, having less power or struggling to leave a harmful situation does not mean that we deserved what happened.

Recovery can involve challenging the beliefs that developed through those experiences and rebuilding a sense of personal worth.

Respect: a constant, whatever the power balance

A central principle in this STAIR session is that respect for ourselves and others should remain important regardless of who holds more power in a relationship.

Respecting ourselves means recognising our worth, needs, values and right to express our perspective. It involves taking our own feelings seriously and considering what we need in order to participate in relationships in a way that feels appropriate and authentic.

Respecting others means recognising their humanity, rights and perspectives, even when we disagree with them.

This does not mean that we must approve of another person’s behaviour, accept every request or avoid expressing disagreement. Nor does it mean that we must treat harmful behaviour as acceptable in the name of understanding another person’s point of view.

We can respect another person’s humanity while challenging their behaviour. We can recognise a difference of opinion without abandoning our own position.

Similarly, we can exercise authority without humiliating or intimidating someone, and we can respond to authority without automatically assuming that our own needs and opinions are unimportant.

The aim is to move towards relationships in which power can be managed with greater awareness, responsibility and mutual respect.

Introducing the Respect Bookends skill

STAIR introduces a communication approach called Respect Bookends.

This builds on the assertiveness skills explored previously, including the use of “I messages”.

The idea is to communicate our own perspective clearly while acknowledging the other person’s perspective at the beginning and end of what we say.

The communication has three parts:

• Begin with recognition: acknowledge something positive about the person or relationship, or recognise a concern that matters to them.
• Express your own perspective: state your request, concern, decision or point of view clearly.
• End with respect: return to something that recognises the other person’s perspective, positive qualities or contribution.

The purpose is not to flatter someone, avoid disagreement or make our own needs less important.

Instead, it offers a way of holding two perspectives in mind at once: the other person’s experience matters, and so does ours.

For example, imagine a colleague has made a decision that affects your workload. You might recognise their efforts to manage competing demands, explain clearly how the decision affects your capacity, and finish by acknowledging your shared aim of working effectively together.

This approach may help create space for discussion rather than immediately positioning the interaction as a conflict between two opposing sides.

It cannot guarantee that the other person will respond respectfully. Some people may remain dismissive, unreasonable or abusive, regardless of how carefully we communicate.

Respect Bookends is therefore an option to explore when it is appropriate and safe, not a technique for making every relationship work.

Why acknowledging another perspective does not mean agreeing

Some people worry that recognising another person’s feelings or concerns will undermine their own position.

For example, if we acknowledge that a manager is under pressure, does that mean we must accept an unreasonable workload? If we recognise that a partner feels frustrated, does that mean we are responsible for their reaction?

No.

We can recognise that another person is frustrated without agreeing that their behaviour is justified. We can acknowledge the pressures they face while still expressing our own needs and limits.

Understanding another perspective does not require us to abandon our values or deny our own experience.

Equally, expressing our own needs does not require us to dismiss the other person’s humanity.

This distinction can be particularly important for people who have learned to manage relationships by putting themselves last, as well as for those who feel they must remain in control to protect themselves.

The aim is to develop a more balanced approach in which our needs and the needs of others can both be considered.

Bringing earlier STAIR skills into relationships

This builds on the skills explored throughout the STAIR series so far.

Recognising our emotions can help us notice when an interaction is triggering fear, anger or shame. Body-based coping strategies may help us manage physical tension, while working with thoughts and behaviour can create space to consider different interpretations and responses.

Distress tolerance can help us sit with discomfort long enough to decide what we want to achieve. Assertiveness can support us in expressing our perspective clearly.

Together, these skills can help us approach difficult interactions with greater awareness.

Sometimes, the most helpful response may be to ask for clarification before drawing conclusions. At other times, we may need to pause, seek another perspective or consider whether a conversation is worth pursuing.

We might also need to recognise when the power balance is genuinely unfair or when another person’s behaviour is unsafe.

There is no single response that works in every situation. The intention is to develop greater flexibility in understanding the relationship, recognising our own needs and choosing how to respond.

A final thought

Power is part of everyday relationships, but it does not have to mean domination, fear or abuse.

Our experiences may influence how we understand authority, equality and responsibility. They may also shape how comfortable we feel expressing our needs or exercising influence over others.

Recognising these patterns can help us understand our reactions with greater compassion and consider alternative ways of relating.

Respect does not mean agreeing with everyone, avoiding conflict or tolerating mistreatment. It means recognising the worth of ourselves and others while making room for clear communication, appropriate boundaries and responsible use of power.

You can respect another person’s perspective without dismissing your own. And you can hold power or authority without losing sight of the humanity of the person in front of you.

In the next article in my STAIR series, I will continue exploring interpersonal relationships and how these skills can support the development of more flexible, respectful and fulfilling connections.

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About the author

Lisa Harris is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and consultant, and a Qualified Traumatologist. Her work explores trauma, emotional well-being and the ways therapeutic relationships can support understanding, choice and change.

This article is for educational purposes. It introduces themes explored within STAIR and is not a substitute for individual assessment, therapy or participation in a structured treatment programme. Respectful communication skills should never be used to excuse abuse, coercion or misuse of power. Where a relationship is unsafe, personal safety and appropriate support must take priority.

STAIR is one of several trauma treatment approaches Lisa is trained to offer.

Further reading: Cloitre, M., Cohen, L. R., Ortigo, K. M., Jackson, C. and Koenen, K. C. (2020). Treating Survivors of Childhood Abuse and Interpersonal Trauma: STAIR Narrative Therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.