STAIR Narrative Therapy: 4. Emotional Regulation — Working with Thoughts and Behaviour

Exploring how trauma can influence our thoughts and actions, and how developing greater flexibility can support emotional well-being.

Have you ever found yourself going over the same worry repeatedly, avoiding something that feels difficult or reacting in a way you later wish you could change?

Perhaps you know that a situation is making you unhappy, but feel unable to respond differently. Or you notice yourself falling into familiar patterns, even when they no longer seem to help.

Our thoughts and behaviours are closely connected to our emotional experiences. When we have lived through trauma, these patterns can sometimes develop around fear, protection and the need to feel safe.

In this fourth article in my STAIR Narrative Therapy series, I explore how trauma may influence the ways we think and behave, and how developing more flexible responses can help us feel a greater sense of choice.

How can trauma influence our thoughts?

Our experiences shape the ways we understand ourselves, other people and the world around us.

When someone has experienced repeated trauma, neglect or environments in which they felt little control, particular beliefs may develop around safety, trust, relationships and self-worth.

For example, someone may come to expect that other people will let them down, that expressing feelings is unsafe or that they must manage everything themselves.

These beliefs may once have helped them make sense of difficult circumstances or anticipate what might happen next. However, they can become limiting when they continue to influence situations that are different from those in which they developed.

Trauma-related thinking can take many forms. It may involve expecting the worst, seeing situations in black-and-white terms, focusing on negative information or repeatedly revisiting distressing thoughts.

Not everyone experiences these patterns, and they are not exclusive to trauma. However, when they occur, they can contribute to emotional distress and make it harder to consider alternative possibilities.

The aim is not to criticise these ways of thinking. It is to understand them, consider whether they remain helpful and explore whether other perspectives might also be possible.

Developing more flexible ways of thinking

A key focus of STAIR Session 4 is learning to create greater flexibility in our thinking.

This is not simply about replacing a negative thought with a positive one or convincing ourselves that everything is fine.

Instead, it involves becoming more curious about our thoughts and recognising that an initial interpretation may not be the only way to understand a situation.

For example, if someone does not reply to a message, you might immediately think, I’ve done something wrong or they don’t care about me.

Those thoughts may feel convincing, particularly if previous experiences have involved rejection or uncertainty.

Developing flexibility might involve recognising the thought, considering what evidence supports it and allowing space for other explanations.

Perhaps the person is busy, distracted or unsure how to respond. You may not know the answer yet, and that uncertainty can be uncomfortable.

The purpose is not to insist that the most reassuring explanation must be true. It is to make room for a more balanced understanding rather than automatically accepting the first thought that arises.

Over time, this can help create a little more space between what we think and how we choose to respond.

When thoughts become repetitive

Sometimes, thinking about a problem helps us understand it or decide what to do next. At other times, we can become caught in repetitive thinking that leaves us feeling increasingly distressed without bringing us any closer to a solution.

This is often described as rumination.

We may replay conversations, revisit past events, imagine possible outcomes or repeatedly ask ourselves why something happened.

Although this can feel like an attempt to solve a problem, it may keep our attention fixed on distressing material.

STAIR introduces several ways of responding to these experiences, including noticing when an emotion is rising and falling, shifting attention when repetitive thinking is unhelpful, and developing alternative ways of interpreting a situation.

These approaches are not about denying difficult experiences or forcing ourselves to stop thinking about something important.

Sometimes a problem needs attention, practical action or further reflection. At other times, continuing to revisit it may be making us feel worse.

Learning to recognise the difference can help us decide what might be most useful in the moment.

How can our behaviour keep patterns going?

Our actions are also influenced by our emotions.

When we feel anxious, we may avoid something that frightens us. When we feel ashamed, we may withdraw from other people. When we feel overwhelmed, we may put off tasks or turn to familiar habits that offer immediate relief.

These responses can make sense in context. Avoiding something frightening, for example, may bring a temporary reduction in anxiety.

However, if avoidance becomes our only response, it can sometimes restrict our lives and make certain situations increasingly difficult to face.

Other behaviours may involve withdrawing from relationships, neglecting our own needs, trying to control situations or finding it difficult to engage in activities that we once enjoyed.

It is important to remember that these behaviours can have different causes. They should not automatically be attributed to trauma, and they do not define a person’s character.

Within STAIR, the focus is on understanding what a behaviour achieves in the short term, what its longer-term consequences might be, and whether another response could better support the person’s needs and goals.

Creating more choice in how we respond

One of the central themes of this session is developing a wider range of behavioural choices.

When we feel distressed, our responses can sometimes become automatic. We may react before we have had time to consider what we want to achieve or what might be helpful.

Developing flexibility involves recognising these patterns and exploring alternatives.

Depending on the situation, this might mean taking a break before continuing a difficult conversation, seeking support rather than withdrawing, choosing a manageable first step instead of avoiding a task, or making time for an activity that brings enjoyment or a sense of achievement.

STAIR also explores the idea of replacement behaviours and opposite action: considering whether an action different from our immediate emotional impulse might better support our longer-term goals.

This requires thought and context. Approaching a feared situation is not always appropriate, and stepping away is not always avoidance. Sometimes leaving is the safest and most effective response.

The aim is not to make ourselves do the opposite of everything we feel. It is to develop the ability to pause, consider our options and choose a response that fits the circumstances.

Where abuse, coercion or intimidation is present, safety must remain the priority. No one should be encouraged to approach an unsafe situation simply to challenge avoidance.

The importance of taking a break

When emotions become intense, it can be difficult to think clearly or communicate in ways that reflect what we really want to say.

Taking a break can sometimes help us manage that intensity before responding.

For example, during a difficult conversation, someone may recognise that continuing immediately is likely to increase conflict. Pausing the conversation and returning to it later, when it is safe and both people are able to engage more effectively, may be more helpful than continuing in the heat of the moment.

A planned break differs from automatically avoiding a situation indefinitely. It creates an opportunity to settle, reflect and decide how best to proceed.

However, the circumstances matter. Not every conversation can or should be resumed, particularly when the relationship is unsafe or the other person is behaving abusively.

The broader principle is that we can sometimes give ourselves permission to slow down rather than feeling compelled to react immediately.

Making room for positive experiences

Emotional regulation is not only about reducing distress. It is also about making space for enjoyment, connection and experiences that give life meaning.

When someone has spent a long time managing difficult circumstances, pleasurable activities may become less frequent. They may feel too exhausted, disconnected or preoccupied to do things they once enjoyed.

Others may feel uncomfortable allowing themselves to experience pleasure, particularly when they are struggling with guilt, shame or a sense that they should always be doing something useful.

STAIR includes planning pleasurable activities and recognising the value of support from other people.

These activities do not need to be elaborate. They might involve creativity, time outdoors, listening to music, connecting with someone supportive or engaging in something that provides a sense of interest or accomplishment.

The purpose is not to use pleasant activities to avoid every difficult feeling. It is to recognise that enjoyment, connection and meaningful activity are important parts of well-being.

Learning to respond differently takes practice

Changing established patterns of thinking and behaviour can take time.

Even when we recognise that a particular response is no longer helpful, we may find ourselves returning to it under stress. Familiar patterns can feel automatic, especially when emotions are intense.

Within STAIR, skills are explored and practised over time. Reflection helps people notice the situations in which particular thoughts or behaviours arise, what purpose they may serve and which alternatives feel realistic.

Progress does not mean never ruminating, avoiding something or reacting emotionally again. It means gradually developing more awareness and a broader range of possible responses.

Different strategies will suit different people and situations. The aim is to discover what works for you, with appropriate support and attention to your individual circumstances.

A final thought

Our thoughts and behaviours are not separate from our experiences. They can reflect what we have learned, what we fear and the ways we have tried to manage difficult situations.

Understanding these patterns can help us approach ourselves with greater compassion.

We may not be able to control every thought or feeling that arises, but we can sometimes learn to respond to them differently. We can consider alternative perspectives, pause before acting and explore choices that better reflect our values and needs.

You do not have to believe every thought or act on every impulse. Sometimes, greater freedom begins with recognising that you have another choice.

In the next article in this STAIR series, I will continue exploring the development of emotional regulation skills and how they can be brought together in everyday life.

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About the author

Lisa Harris is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and consultant, and a Qualified Traumatologist. Her work explores trauma, emotional well-being and the ways therapeutic relationships can support understanding, choice and change.

This article is for educational purposes. It introduces themes explored within STAIR and is not a substitute for individual assessment, therapy or participation in a structured treatment programme. Strategies need to be considered in context and adapted to individual needs and safety.
STAIR is one of many trauma treatments Lisa is trained to offer.

Further reading: Cloitre, M., Cohen, L. R., Ortigo, K. M., Jackson, C. and Koenen, K. C. (2020). Treating Survivors of Childhood Abuse and Interpersonal Trauma: STAIR Narrative Therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.