Move with the seasons

23 years ago, on the 24th July 2002 I arrived in East Yorkshire, utterly broken, with very very little to my name, only intending to be passing through until I found somewhere to settle.
I was in my mid 20’s.

How very different my life is now, although there are different challenges.

I have my own home, a career, a business I love and a faith I wouldn’t be without. All of which came after 2002.

When you have lost everything

In 2002 life was very painful and so very difficult, I had lost everything I loved and knew. Injustice stung daily to the core of me. I wasn’t sure I could cope with life now or even if I wanted it anymore. If you know how this feels, you know. If you don’t, I hope you never will.

Depression, anxiety and pain were my familar friends for more years than I care to recall. Tears and loneliness were a daily thing over and over, and over.

I can say I lived through it, it took years, I’m still living through it, because life happens, and I’ve still survived, I’ve achieved, I’ve created and I’ve held on by the smallest thread on many occasions over the years and at times, I still do.

You don’t go through such difficult times without long term impact on your body and mind. That’s a real thing.

It can be done, I’ve learned.

If you’re struggling and all is not good, remember this, it will pass, it does pass. Like a kidney stone, but it does pass.

Yes, it’s hard.
Yes, you have to choose to find a way against the odds, every single day.
Yes, you have to show up.
Yes, it’s really not fair.
Yes, it can be done.

One day life will be different

Yes, one day life will be different.

That’s when you start to be the change you can see the world needs because you know what the alternative is and what it feels like, that’s when you find your purpose. Or, maybe, it finds you. It found me.

That’s when you find out who you are, what you can be and what’s important in life. I did.

That’s when you start to find out what you can do rather than hold on to the sadness about what you can’t. That’s what I learned to do.

To anyone who has ever dared to say single parents have it easy, I invite you to live it for years and years with little support or money and see how you get on.

To anyone who says I can’t do this any more, just keep breathing and know one day it will be different. It will. I promise it will. Keep going.

To anyone who thinks I’m “lucky” to have what I have today.
Fuck you.

Luck has nothing to do with it

Luck has nothing to do with it. I’ve grafted, sustained, lost and sacrificed more than you will ever, ever, know or understand.

I still fight daily battles in my head.
I still sometimes think I don’t know if I can do this, or if I want to. And yet, somehow, I do.

I’m still on my journey, the direction I’m going consistently turns. With no idea where I’m going really but trying and often failing to follow my faith, and be a kind and fair person as I go.

I am still a Geordie in my heart and to my core, who is grateful East Yorkshire has held me as I heal and offered me opportunities I didn’t know I was looking for.

Today, in 2025 I’ll be 50 soon.
I’ve been a therapist 18 years, a clinical supervisor for ten years and am now a specialist certified Traumatologist in PTSD & cPTSD.
Make no mistake. Rock bottom in 2002 was indeed the foundation on which I decided I had to rebuild my life.
And I have. I still am.

We need to move with the season

I was working today when I noticed yellow leaves on the trees outside my window, in July? Surely not.
About an hour later, I saw one blow off in the gentle wind and float slowly to the the floor. I went to collect it.

This is the leaf.

Someone reminded me today, each season has wonderful things about it, we just need to move with the season.
They had no idea how valuable and profound those words are for me, particularly today.

So here I am.
Still moving as best I know how with the seasons that come and go, that catch me off guard, leave me in disbelief … Or bring me joy.
The winter wind that hurts my bones and the summer sun that warms my face. The spring buds that remind me new is coming or the autumn leaves that remind me there’s a time for everything to come and for everything to go.

23 years on, it seems I might be staying here in Yorkshire a bit longer.
Who knew.

The me in 2002 certainly didn’t