STAIR Narrative Therapy: 6. The Resource of Connection — Understanding Relationship Patterns

Exploring how early experiences shape our expectations of relationships, why familiar patterns can repeat, and how greater awareness can create room for change.

Have you ever found yourself experiencing similar difficulties in different relationships?

Perhaps you find it hard to trust people, worry about being rejected, keep others at a distance even when you want to feel close, or find yourself putting other people’s needs before your own.

You may recognise these patterns but struggle to understand why they keep happening, even when you genuinely want things to be different.

Our experiences of relationships can influence what we come to expect from other people and how we see ourselves. When we have experienced trauma, neglect or difficult relationships, these expectations may have developed as ways of coping or protecting ourselves.

In this sixth article in my STAIR Narrative Therapy series, I explore relationship patterns: how they develop, how they can influence our adult relationships, and how understanding them can be an important first step towards change.

What are relationship models?

Within STAIR, relationship models are understood as the internal blueprints or instruction manuals we develop about relationships.

They reflect our beliefs about ourselves, our expectations of other people and our understanding of how relationships work.

These models begin developing through our experiences with parents or caregivers and other important people in our lives. Over time, we learn what to expect when we express a need, show vulnerability, disagree with someone or ask for support.

For example, someone whose feelings were listened to and responded to with care may come to expect that it is possible to express themselves and receive support.

Someone who experienced criticism, rejection or unpredictable responses may instead learn that expressing feelings is risky, that other people cannot be relied upon or that their own needs are less important.

These are examples rather than universal outcomes. Our experiences are individual, and early relationships do not determine our future.

However, the expectations we develop can become familiar ways of interpreting and responding to situations, sometimes without us realising how strongly they influence us.

When old relationship models follow us into adulthood

The strategies we develop in earlier relationships may have made sense in the circumstances in which they emerged.

Keeping our feelings private, staying alert to other people’s moods or avoiding conflict may once have helped us manage difficult situations. Being highly independent may have felt safer than relying on someone who was unreliable.

The difficulty is that a strategy that was useful in one environment may not always serve us well in another.

For example, someone who learned that expressing their needs led to criticism may find it difficult to ask a supportive partner for reassurance. Another person who experienced repeated rejection may find themselves expecting relationships to end badly, even when there is not yet clear evidence that this will happen.

These responses are not signs of weakness or personal failure. They can reflect what someone has learned to expect through their experiences.

The aim of exploring relationship models is not to judge how those patterns developed. It is to understand them in the context of someone’s history and consider whether they continue to be helpful in their current circumstances.

Why do similar relationship patterns sometimes repeat?

One of the difficulties with established relationship patterns is that our expectations can influence how we behave.

Imagine someone who strongly expects to be rejected. They may protect themselves by keeping people at a distance, sharing very little about themselves or avoiding opportunities for closeness.

Other people may interpret this distance as a lack of interest and respond by stepping back.

The person may then experience that distance as further evidence that relationships are unreliable or that nobody wants to get close to them.

Without either person fully understanding what has happened, the original expectation may feel confirmed.

This is one example of how a relationship model can become self-reinforcing.

It does not mean that someone is responsible for another person’s rejection, mistreatment or harmful behaviour. Other people remain responsible for their own choices.

Rather, it highlights how our expectations, feelings and actions can sometimes interact with other people’s responses in ways that maintain a familiar pattern.

Recognising these connections can help us understand why certain situations feel so familiar, even when the people involved and the circumstances are different.

The beliefs we carry about ourselves and others

Relationship models can involve expectations about many aspects of relationships, including safety, trust, intimacy, power, control, self-worth and the importance of our own needs.

Some people may recognise beliefs such as:

• If I let someone get close to me, I will get hurt.
• I cannot trust my own judgement.
• Other people’s needs matter more than mine.
• If I express how I feel, I will be seen as weak.
• I have to manage everything myself.
• If someone is unhappy with me, the relationship is in danger.

You may recognise some of these beliefs, or your own expectations may be quite different.

These examples are not a checklist for diagnosing yourself. They are illustrations of the kinds of assumptions that can influence how people experience relationships.

A belief may feel like an unquestionable fact because it has been reinforced over many years. Yet it may be based partly on experiences that belong to the past, rather than accurately reflecting every relationship in the present.

This does not mean that concerns about other people should automatically be dismissed. Sometimes our expectations reflect genuine warning signs or experiences of ongoing mistreatment.

The work involves learning to consider the context: what has happened, what we know about the present situation, what we are feeling and what other explanations may be possible.

Understanding the difference between past and present

A particularly important part of this work is recognising when strong feelings from earlier experiences may be influencing our responses to a current situation.

For example, a delayed reply might bring up feelings of rejection or fear for someone who has experienced unpredictable relationships. A disagreement might feel threatening to someone whose earlier experiences taught them that conflict would lead to punishment or abandonment.

The emotional response can be very real, even when the present situation is different from the one in which those expectations developed.

This does not make the feeling wrong or meaningless.

It means there may be value in exploring what belongs to the current interaction, what may be connected to earlier experiences, and what response would best support us now.

Within STAIR, the aim is not to encourage people to distrust their feelings or perceptions. It is to help them understand their emotional responses more clearly, so they have greater choice in how they act.

We can acknowledge that something feels frightening while also taking time to consider what is actually happening. We can recognise a familiar fear without automatically allowing it to determine our next step.

Over time, this awareness may help us respond in ways that better reflect our current circumstances and relationship goals.

Why understanding a pattern comes before changing it

STAIR Session 6 focuses on identifying and understanding relationship models that may be contributing to difficulties in present-day relationships.

This involves looking at specific interactions and becoming curious about what happened, how we felt, what we believed about ourselves, what we expected from the other person and how we responded.

The purpose is not to decide who was right or wrong in every interaction. Nor is it to assume that every relationship difficulty comes from our own expectations.

Instead, it is an opportunity to notice connections that may otherwise remain hidden.

For example, we might begin to recognise that we repeatedly expect criticism when expressing a need, or that we withdraw when a relationship starts to feel important.

Once a pattern becomes clearer, we can begin to understand why it developed and consider whether it still reflects what we want from relationships today.

This process can take time. Some patterns are easier to recognise in retrospect than in the moment, and it may take several examples before a recurring theme becomes apparent.

There is no need to force an explanation or arrive at an answer immediately. The process is one of exploration, reflection and increasing understanding.

From awareness towards change

Recognising a relationship pattern does not mean that it will immediately disappear.

Even when we understand why we respond in a particular way, familiar reactions may still arise, especially when we feel vulnerable, distressed or uncertain.

The first step is developing awareness and understanding. From there, we can begin to consider whether we want to respond differently and what might help us do so.

Perhaps we want to become more comfortable expressing our needs, allow trusted people to get to know us, recognise when we are making assumptions about another person’s thoughts, or become more confident in setting boundaries.

These changes will look different for each person.

Within the STAIR programme, the next STAIR builds on this foundation by exploring alternative relationship models and beginning to consider new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving in relationships.

The aim is not to replace every established belief with an optimistic one. It is to develop more flexible ways of understanding ourselves and others, while remaining attentive to our experiences, needs and safety.

A compassionate approach to relationship patterns

It can be painful to recognise that some of our familiar responses may be contributing to difficulties we experience today.

However, this work is not about blaming ourselves for the ways we learned to cope.

Our relationship patterns developed within the context of our experiences, and understanding those experiences can help us approach ourselves with greater compassion.

It is also important to remember that not every relationship difficulty is caused by our own patterns. Sometimes another person is unreliable, unkind, controlling or abusive. Awareness of our relationship models should never be used to excuse another person’s harmful behaviour or persuade us to remain in an unsafe relationship.

The purpose is to increase understanding and choice, not to take responsibility for things that are not ours to control.

We cannot determine how other people will behave, but we can gradually become more aware of our expectations, recognise what we need and consider how we want to respond.

A final thought

Our experiences shape the expectations we bring into relationships, often in ways we do not immediately recognise.

Some of these expectations may continue to support us. Others may have developed in difficult circumstances and no longer reflect what we want or need from relationships today.

Understanding these patterns can help us make sense of familiar difficulties without judging ourselves for having developed them.

Change does not begin with getting everything right. Sometimes, it begins with noticing a recurring response and becoming curious about where it came from, what it has helped us manage and whether we would like something different now.

You are allowed to understand why you learned to protect yourself, while also exploring whether there are new ways of feeling safe, connecting with others and being yourself in relationships.

In the next article in this STAIR series, I will explore how we can begin developing and testing alternative relationship models, creating opportunities for new experiences and more flexible ways of relating to others.

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About the author

Lisa Harris is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and consultant, and a Qualified Traumatologist. Her work explores trauma, emotional well-being and the ways therapeutic relationships can support understanding, choice and change.

This article is for educational purposes. It introduces themes explored within STAIR and is not a substitute for individual assessment, therapy or participation in a structured treatment programme. Exploring relationship patterns should never be interpreted as blaming someone for abuse or mistreatment they have experienced.

STAIR is one of several trauma treatment approaches Lisa is trained to offer.

Further reading: Cloitre, M., Cohen, L. R., Ortigo, K. M., Jackson, C. and Koenen, K. C. (2020). Treating Survivors of Childhood Abuse and Interpersonal Trauma: STAIR Narrative Therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.