DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

Understanding denial, blame-shifting and the reversal of victim and offender in domestic abuse and trauma.

When you try to explain how someone’s behaviour has hurt you, you might expect them to listen, acknowledge what happened, or at least try to understand your experience. But what happens when the conversation takes an entirely different direction? What happens when the person you are trying to hold accountable denies what happened, attacks your character, and somehow leaves you feeling as though you are the one who has done something wrong?

You might begin the conversation feeling hurt, frightened or angry about something that has happened – and leave it feeling guilty, confused, ashamed and questioning whether you were ever entitled to feel hurt in the first place.

For some people, this is a familiar experience within an abusive relationship. One concept that can help make sense of this pattern is DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

Understanding DARVO can help explain why speaking up about abuse can sometimes leave a person feeling even more distressed, and why recognising what has happened can be an important part of recovering from its psychological impact.

What is DARVO?

The term DARVO was developed by psychologist Dr Jennifer Freyd to describe a pattern of response that can occur when someone is confronted about their harmful behaviour.

It stands for three interconnected responses:

D — Deny

The person denies the behaviour, minimises what happened, or rejects the suggestion that their actions were harmful.

A — Attack

Rather than addressing the concern, they attack the person raising it. This might involve criticising their character, questioning their motives, undermining their credibility or accusing them of being unstable, dishonest or unreasonable.

RVO — Reverse Victim and Offender

The roles are reversed. The person who has caused harm presents themselves as the person who has been wronged, while the person raising concerns is portrayed as the aggressor, the abuser or the source of the problem.

The original issue becomes lost as attention shifts towards defending the person being challenged and questioning the person who has spoken up.

DARVO has been examined in psychological research, including studies exploring how it influences people’s perceptions of victims and perpetrators. Research suggests that this pattern can make the person reporting harm appear less credible and more responsible for what happened, while making the person accused of wrongdoing appear less responsible.

You can read more about the original concept and research on Jennifer Freyd’s DARVO resource and in the peer-reviewed study by Harsey and Freyd, Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO): What Is the Influence on Perceived Perpetrator and Victim Credibility?.

How DARVO can look in a relationship

DARVO is not always immediately obvious. It can unfold through a series of statements, accusations and emotional reactions that gradually change the direction of a conversation.

Imagine someone trying to explain to their partner that they have been frightened by repeated shouting, intimidation or controlling behaviour. They might say: “When you shout at me and threaten to leave me, I feel frightened. I need you to understand how this affects me.”

A response involving DARVO might unfold like this.

1. Deny: “That never happened”

The person denies the behaviour or minimises its significance.

“I didn’t shout at you. You’re exaggerating.” Or: “It was just an argument. Everyone argues. You’re making something out of nothing.”

The focus moves away from the behaviour and its impact. Instead of exploring what happened, the conversation becomes a dispute about whether the other person has any right to feel hurt. Sometimes the person may acknowledge that something happened but insist that it was harmless, justified or entirely understandable given the circumstances.

2. Attack: “You’re the one with the problem”

When denial does not end the conversation, the response becomes more personal.

“You’re so oversensitive. You twist everything I say.” Or “You’re mentally unstable.” Or “You always play the victim.”

The person raising the concern is now being criticised, discredited or attacked. Their emotional responses, mental health, past experiences or perceived shortcomings may be brought into the conversation. The original concern has not been addressed. Instead, the person who raised it is left trying to defend their character and prove that their feelings are legitimate.

3. Reverse victim and offender: “Look what you’re doing to me”

Finally, the person confronted about their behaviour presents themselves as the one who has been harmed.

“I can’t believe you would accuse me of this.” Or “You’re emotionally abusing me by saying these things.” Or “You’re trying to destroy my life. I’m the one who has to put up with your behaviour.”

The person who initially tried to explain their hurt may now feel responsible for the other person’s distress.
They might apologise, withdraw their concerns, offer reassurance or try to repair the relationship, even though the behaviour that prompted the conversation remains unresolved.
The person who raised the issue can end up comforting the person whose behaviour they were trying to discuss.

The conversation has been turned upside down.

Why can DARVO be so confusing?

One of the most distressing aspects of DARVO is that it can leave someone questioning their own understanding of events.
You may have approached a conversation with a clear memory of what happened and a reasonable wish to discuss its impact. Yet, by the end, you may be wondering whether you misunderstood, overreacted or somehow caused the situation yourself.
There are several reasons why this pattern can be particularly difficult to navigate.

You lose sight of the original issue

When the conversation shifts towards accusations about your character, you may feel compelled to defend yourself.
You explain what you meant, try to correct inaccuracies, reassure the other person that you were not trying to hurt them.
You attempt to demonstrate that you are fair, reasonable and not the person they are describing.

Before long, the original concern has disappeared beneath a series of arguments about your behaviour. You may finish the conversation without ever having your original experience acknowledged.

You begin to doubt yourself

Repeated denial and criticism can make it harder to trust your own perceptions, particularly when the relationship is important to you.
You might start thinking:

• Perhaps I am remembering it incorrectly.
• Maybe I really am too sensitive.
• Perhaps I shouldn’t have brought it up.
• What if I am the one causing all the problems?
• Maybe I need to try harder to explain myself.

These questions can be particularly painful when you are already experiencing anxiety, trauma symptoms or low self-esteem. Over time, you may become increasingly reliant on the other person’s interpretation of events, even when it conflicts with your own experience.

You feel responsible for their emotions

If the other person becomes distressed, angry, avoidant or presents themselves as deeply wounded by your concerns, you may feel compelled to put your own feelings aside. You might feel guilty for upsetting them or believe that you need to repair the relationship before you can return to the issue that originally mattered to you.
This can create a powerful bind: speaking up leads to distress, but remaining silent means carrying the hurt alone.

You become afraid to raise concerns

If attempts to discuss difficult behaviour repeatedly result in criticism, accusations or emotional upheaval, you may begin to avoid raising concerns altogether.
You might carefully monitor your words, rehearse conversations in advance or spend considerable time trying to find a way to communicate that will not provoke a reaction.
You may become increasingly focused on preventing conflict rather than feeling able to express yourself freely.

DARVO can contribute to a relationship dynamic in which one person’s behaviour is rarely meaningfully challenged, while the other becomes progressively less confident about speaking up.

DARVO, gaslighting and blame-shifting: what is the difference?

These terms are related, and they can overlap, but they describe different aspects of harmful interpersonal dynamics.

Gaslighting describes behaviour that undermines someone’s confidence in their own perceptions, memories or understanding of reality. For example, someone might repeatedly deny events or insist that another person’s recollection is wrong until that person begins to doubt themselves.

Blame-shifting involves redirecting responsibility for harmful behaviour onto someone else. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, a person focuses on what the other person supposedly did to cause them.

DARVO describes a more specific sequence: denial of wrongdoing, an attack on the person raising the concern, and a reversal of the roles of victim and offender.

A person experiencing DARVO might also experience gaslighting and blame-shifting. However, the terms are not interchangeable, and not every disagreement or instance of defensiveness represents DARVO.
The important consideration is the wider context, including whether there is a repeated pattern of avoiding accountability, undermining the other person’s credibility and turning concerns about harm back against them.

Why DARVO can be particularly damaging in domestic abuse

Within an abusive relationship, the reversal of victim and offender can reinforce an already unequal dynamic.

Domestic abuse is not simply about individual arguments. It can involve patterns of coercion, intimidation, control, humiliation, threats or other behaviours that undermine a person’s autonomy and sense of safety.
When someone attempts to challenge those behaviours and is met with DARVO, they may experience a further layer of psychological distress.

They might already be managing fear, isolation, shame or uncertainty about the relationship. Being told that they are the abusive one can deepen these feelings and make it harder to recognise the wider pattern.

It can also affect how they speak about their experiences to other people. A person may worry that friends, family members or professionals will believe the other person’s account. They might fear being judged, disbelieved or accused of making false allegations.

Sometimes, the other person’s presentation as the injured party can influence how people around them interpret the situation. They may see the person’s visible distress or hear their accusations without understanding the history or context that preceded them. This can leave the person experiencing abuse feeling isolated, discredited and increasingly unsure where to turn.

DARVO can also occur beyond intimate relationships, including in families, workplaces and institutions when individuals or organisations respond to allegations of wrongdoing by denying responsibility, attacking those who speak up and presenting themselves as the victims.

The impact on trauma and emotional wellbeing

For someone who has experienced prolonged abuse, DARVO may be particularly destabilising.

Trauma can affect how a person experiences threat, relationships, memory, trust and their own sense of self. When a person who has caused harm repeatedly denies their actions or challenges the survivor’s account, it can intensify feelings of confusion and insecurity.

You might notice yourself replaying conversations, trying to establish exactly what happened or searching for the words that might finally make the other person understand.
You might feel anxious before contact, distressed afterwards or unable to settle because you are still mentally working through the interaction.
You might also experience shame, self-blame, anger or a sense of helplessness.

For some people, the experience can echo earlier relationships in which their feelings were dismissed, their needs were overlooked or they were made responsible for someone else’s behaviour.
It is important to recognise that these reactions do not mean you are weak or incapable of coping. They may be understandable responses to repeated experiences that have left you feeling unsafe, invalidated or uncertain about your own judgement.

Understanding DARVO will not automatically resolve the impact of abuse. However, having language to describe a confusing interaction can sometimes help a person begin to make sense of their experience.

Does someone using DARVO always know what they are doing?

DARVO describes a pattern of response; it does not, by itself, establish what someone is thinking, whether they are consciously manipulating another person or why they are responding in that way.

Some people may use these responses deliberately to evade accountability or maintain control. Others may respond defensively, struggle to tolerate shame or experience challenges to their behaviour as threats to their self-image or image others hold of them.

The presence of defensiveness alone does not establish abuse, and the concept should not be used as a way to diagnose someone or determine guilt.
Equally, a person’s lack of conscious intent does not mean that the impact of their behaviour is unimportant.

What matters is the wider pattern: whether they can reflect on their actions, acknowledge the impact of their behaviour, respect another person’s experience and take meaningful responsibility.

A healthy response to being told that you have caused harm does not require immediate agreement about every detail. It does, however, allow room for listening, curiosity, accountability and repair without turning the conversation into an attack on the person who has spoken up.

How can you respond if you recognise DARVO?

Recognising a pattern can be helpful, but it does not mean you have to confront the other person with the term or persuade them to acknowledge what they are doing. In some relationships, particularly those involving coercive control or intimidation, direct confrontation may increase distress or risk. Your safety and wellbeing are more important than finding the perfect words.
Depending on your circumstances, the following approaches may help.

1. Return to the original concern

If it feels safe and productive, you might gently bring the conversation back to the behaviour you wanted to discuss.
For example: “I understand that you feel upset, but I still need to talk about what happened and how it affected me.”
You do not have to resolve every accusation before you are allowed to return to your original concern.

2. Recognise when a conversation is no longer productive

You may find that explaining yourself repeatedly does not lead to greater understanding, you are allowed to pause a conversation that has become hostile, circular or distressing.
You do not have to keep defending your character indefinitely in the hope that the other person will eventually hear you.

3. Hold on to your own account of events

If it is safe and appropriate, you might find it helpful to make private notes about what happened, including dates, events and how you experienced them.
This is not about proving yourself to everyone else. It can simply help you maintain a clearer account of your experiences when you later find yourself questioning them.
Keep any records somewhere safe, particularly if the other person has access to your devices or accounts.

4. Seek support that allows you to explore the wider pattern

Speaking to a trusted person or a suitably experienced professional may help you consider what is happening within the relationship.
It can be helpful to have space where you can explore your experiences without being pressured to reach a particular conclusion, minimise what happened or take responsibility for another person’s behaviour.
Where domestic abuse is involved, specialist support can also help you think through safety, boundaries and your options.

5. Remember that understanding is not the same as agreement

You may never receive the acknowledgement or apology you hoped for and you may never be able to make the other person see events from your perspective.
That can be deeply painful, particularly if the relationship matters to you or you have spent a long time trying to resolve things.
But your ability to make sense of your own experiences does not have to depend entirely on the other person’s willingness to agree with you.

What if you start wondering whether you are the abusive one?

This question can be particularly distressing for someone who has repeatedly been accused of causing the very harm they are trying to discuss.

It is worth approaching it with care rather than automatically dismissing the possibility or assuming the accusation must be true.
Anyone can behave badly in a relationship. We can become defensive, say hurtful things, lose our temper or struggle to take responsibility. Being hurt by someone does not mean we are incapable of hurting others.

The distinction lies in looking honestly at the behaviour and the wider pattern.
Can you reflect on your actions? Can you acknowledge when you have caused harm? Can you listen to another person’s concerns without automatically making them responsible for your distress? Can you make changes and respect the other person’s boundaries?

These are meaningful questions for anyone who wants to understand their part in a relationship.

At the same time, being imperfect, becoming upset or expressing anger does not automatically make someone an abuser. Nor does an isolated defensive reaction establish a pattern of DARVO. Context matters. Patterns matter. The nature of the behaviour, the distribution of power and control, and each person’s capacity for accountability all matter.

You are allowed to examine your own behaviour honestly without automatically accepting every accusation made against you.

Moving towards clarity and recovery

One of the most difficult aspects of recovering from an abusive relationship can be making sense of experiences that were repeatedly denied, minimised or turned back against you. You might find yourself revisiting conversations long after the relationship has ended. You might question your memories, wonder whether you were unfair or struggle with the feeling that you were never able to tell your side of the story.

Recovery does not require you to establish a perfect account of every disagreement or persuade everyone involved to agree with your interpretation. It may begin with something quieter: recognising how certain interactions affected you, noticing recurring patterns and allowing yourself to explore those experiences without immediately dismissing your own feelings.

You can acknowledge that relationships are complicated while still recognising that certain behaviours are harmful.
You can reflect on your own mistakes without taking responsibility for another person’s choices.
And you can begin to rebuild trust in yourself without needing every unanswered question to be resolved.

Understanding DARVO is not about labelling every difficult person or treating every conflict as abuse. It is about recognising a particular pattern that can make accountability difficult and leave the person raising concerns feeling increasingly confused, blamed and silenced.

Sometimes, finding a name for a pattern does not change what happened. But it can help you begin to understand why it felt so confusing, and why you may have spent so long questioning yourself.

You are allowed to take your own experiences seriously.
You are allowed to ask questions about how you have been treated.
And you do not have to abandon your own feelings simply because someone else is unwilling to acknowledge them.

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Further reading

For readers who would like to explore the psychological research behind DARVO, the following resources offer further information:

• Jennifer J. Freyd — What is DARVO? An overview of the concept by the psychologist who developed the term.
• Harsey and Freyd (2020) — DARVO and perceived victim and perpetrator credibility. Peer-reviewed research examining how DARVO influences judgements about responsibility, credibility and abusiveness.

This article is intended for information and reflection. It is not a diagnostic tool and cannot determine whether a particular person or relationship is abusive. If you are experiencing domestic abuse or feel unsafe, consider seeking support from a trusted professional or a specialist domestic abuse service.

About the Author

Lisa Harris | Psychotherapist | Clinical Supervisor | Qualified Traumatologist

Lisa Harris is an experienced Psychotherapist, Clinical Supervisor and qualified Traumatologist, offering trauma-informed psychotherapy and clinical supervision online.

Her work explores the psychological impact of trauma, PTSD, complex trauma and difficult relationship dynamics, helping people develop a deeper understanding of their experiences and the ways these may shape their sense of self, relationships and emotional wellbeing.

Through her articles, Lisa aims to make psychological concepts accessible, offering thoughtful, compassionate insight into trauma, recovery and the complexities of human relationships.