STAIR Narrative Therapy: 9. The Resource of Connection — Changing Relationship Patterns and Increasing Closeness

Exploring how trauma can affect our relationships, how healthy boundaries support connection, and how we can take small steps towards greater intimacy, trust and belonging.

Have you ever wanted to feel closer to someone but found yourself pulling away?

Perhaps you find it difficult to trust people, share your feelings or let others get to know you. Maybe you protect yourself by keeping people at a distance, avoiding difficult conversations or convincing yourself that you are better off managing everything alone.

For others, the challenge can look quite different. You might become so focused on maintaining a relationship that your own needs, interests and identity begin to disappear. You may find it difficult to say no, worry about disappointing someone or feel responsible for keeping the relationship together.

Sometimes, we experience both patterns in different relationships.

Our experiences can influence how safe we feel with other people, how we respond to conflict and how much closeness we allow ourselves to experience.

In the ninth article in my STAIR Narrative Therapy series, I explore changing relationship patterns and increasing closeness. We will look at healthy boundaries, emotional intimacy and some practical ways to begin building or repairing relationships at a pace that feels manageable.

Why can closeness feel difficult after trauma?

Relationships can be complicated for anyone. However, experiences of interpersonal trauma can make connection particularly challenging.

When someone has experienced abuse, betrayal, rejection or a loss of trust, keeping others at a distance may have become an important way of staying safe.

You might have learned not to express your feelings, to avoid disagreement or to expect that showing vulnerability will lead to being hurt. You may become anxious when someone wants to get closer, even if part of you longs for connection.

Alternatively, you might find yourself seeking reassurance or becoming very dependent on a relationship because the thought of losing it feels overwhelming.

These responses can make sense in the context of what someone has experienced. They may once have helped them manage difficult or unsafe circumstances.

The difficulty is that patterns which helped us cope in the past can sometimes restrict our relationships in the present.

For example, withdrawing whenever we feel hurt may protect us from an uncomfortable conversation, but it can also prevent misunderstandings from being resolved. Avoiding new friendships may reduce the risk of rejection, but it can leave us feeling isolated and unsupported.

Understanding these patterns is not about blaming ourselves. It is about recognising what we have learned, considering whether it still serves us and exploring what else might be possible.

Healthy boundaries: finding the balance between distance and closeness

One of the key themes in STAIR is the relationship between boundaries and emotional closeness.

Healthy boundaries involve recognising that we each have ownership of our own bodies, thoughts and feelings, while respecting the same rights in other people.

They help us maintain a sense of who we are within a relationship, including our own needs, values, interests and goals.

STAIR explores three broad patterns of emotional distance.

1. Keeping others at a distance

Holding people at a distance can feel protective. There may be less conflict, fewer demands and less need to risk being vulnerable.

However, the longer-term consequences can include loneliness, a lack of support and feeling that everything must be managed alone.

If you have learned that depending on others is dangerous, allowing someone to get closer may feel uncomfortable even when the relationship has the potential to be supportive.

2. Becoming too close and losing yourself

At the other end of the spectrum, we may become so closely involved with another person that we lose sight of our own priorities.

We might find it difficult to make decisions independently, express a different opinion or pursue activities that matter to us. Our needs and goals can become secondary to maintaining the relationship.

Although this closeness may sometimes feel reassuring, it can leave us with an uncertain sense of our own identity and too little independence.

3. Developing healthy boundaries

Healthy boundaries allow us to experience connection while remaining individuals in our own right.

We can care about someone without taking responsibility for all their feelings. We can offer support without abandoning our own needs. We can disagree without assuming the relationship must end.

There is room for closeness and independence, mutual support and individual goals.

This does not mean that every relationship will have exactly the same boundaries. The balance we need may differ depending on the person, the circumstances and the nature of the relationship.

The aim is to develop boundaries that support our well-being while allowing appropriate opportunities for connection.

Recognising the patterns that create distance

Sometimes, emotional distance develops gradually. We may not realise how our behaviour affects a relationship until we begin to reflect on what has changed.

Some common examples are:

• Avoiding messages or calls when we feel uncomfortable.
• Withdrawing rather than explaining that something has hurt us.
• Becoming angry or defensive when we feel misunderstood.
• Assuming that another person will reject us before giving them the opportunity to respond.
• Avoiding difficult conversations because we fear conflict.
• Agreeing to things we do not want because saying no feels unsafe.
• Rarely sharing our feelings, interests or experiences with others.

These behaviours do not automatically mean that we are doing something wrong. There may be good reasons to create distance from certain people, particularly where there is manipulation, coercion or abuse.

The important question is whether our responses are helping us achieve what we genuinely want from a particular relationship.

If we want connection but consistently withdraw whenever vulnerability arises, we might explore whether there is a different way to protect ourselves while remaining open to a safe relationship.

If we repeatedly put another person’s needs before our own, we might consider how to create space for our own priorities without assuming that doing so will inevitably lead to rejection.

Change begins with curiosity rather than criticism.

Starting new relationships, one small step at a time

If you have experienced prolonged isolation or have avoided relationships for a long time, the idea of making new connections can feel daunting.

You do not need to transform your social life overnight. STAIR encourages manageable steps towards social engagement, allowing confidence and hope to develop through experience.

A first step might be as simple as smiling at someone, saying hello or making brief conversation in an everyday setting.

You might choose to reconnect with an acquaintance, explore a shared interest or accept a low-pressure invitation for a coffee.

As you become more comfortable, you may decide to spend more time with someone or share a little more about yourself.

The important thing is to choose steps that are meaningful and manageable for you.

If social interaction triggers anxiety, the emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills explored in earlier STAIR sessions can help you recognise your reactions and cope with discomfort.

You can acknowledge that something feels difficult without automatically deciding that you cannot do it.

Equally, you do not need to push yourself into situations that feel overwhelming or unsafe. Progress can be gradual, and it is reasonable to take time to assess whether someone treats you with care and respect.

Deepening existing relationships

Perhaps you already have friends, family members or a partner you would like to feel closer to.

Building intimacy is not simply about spending more time together. It also involves allowing ourselves to be known, showing interest in the other person and creating opportunities for mutual understanding.

Some small steps might include:

• Asking about the other person’s interests, experiences and values.
• Sharing something about your own thoughts, feelings or life.
• Expressing appreciation or affection when it feels genuine.
• Taking an interest in activities that matter to them.
• Making time for enjoyable experiences together.
• Offering help or asking for support when appropriate.
• Inviting the other person to share their perspective when making decisions that affect you both.
• Addressing unresolved difficulties respectfully.

These actions may seem straightforward, but they can require courage when closeness has previously been associated with disappointment or harm.

You may feel exposed when sharing something personal. You might worry that asking for support will make you a burden or that expressing affection will not be reciprocated.

It can help to remember that intimacy develops over time. We can gradually learn more about one another, notice how the other person responds and decide what feels appropriate to share next.

You do not have to reveal everything about yourself to begin building a meaningful connection. Trust can develop through small, repeated experiences of honesty, reliability and mutual respect.

What happens when relationships experience conflict?

Even healthy relationships experience disagreements, misunderstandings and periods of distance.

Conflict does not necessarily mean that a relationship is failing. Sometimes, it provides an opportunity to understand one another better and make changes that strengthen the connection.

However, if we have experienced trauma, conflict may bring up fears of rejection, punishment, being overwhelmed or losing control.

We might avoid the conversation altogether, become defensive or feel compelled to resolve everything immediately because the uncertainty is so uncomfortable.

STAIR builds on earlier communication skills, including expressing our own perspective through “I messages” and acknowledging the other person’s perspective through the Respect Bookends approach explored earlier.

These skills can help us communicate more clearly while making room for both people’s experiences.

Repairing a relationship after an argument

When it feels appropriate and safe, repairing a disagreement might involve:

1. Choosing a suitable time to talk. Check whether the other person is willing and able to have the conversation.
2. Acknowledging what happened. Recognise that the previous interaction did not go well.
3. Showing care and respect. Make clear that the relationship matters, if that is genuinely how you feel.
4. Taking responsibility for your part. Acknowledge any mistakes or hurt you believe you caused, without taking responsibility for everything that happened.
5. Explaining your perspective. Use “I messages” to describe your feelings and experience rather than relying on accusations.
6. Listening and asking questions. Give each person an opportunity to explain how they experienced the situation.
7. Considering what might help. Where appropriate, discuss whether an apology, an act of repair or a change in behaviour is needed.
8. Looking ahead. Explore how you might handle similar situations differently in the future.

These are options to consider, rather than a formula that guarantees reconciliation. Sometimes a conversation will need to happen over more than one meeting, and the other person may need time to reflect.

Repair also requires willingness from both people. We can take responsibility for our own behaviour, but we cannot make another person listen, apologise or change.

Where a relationship involves abuse, coercion or ongoing mistreatment, reconciliation is not necessarily appropriate. Personal safety and support must take priority.

Making change manageable

When we recognise patterns that have affected our relationships for years, it can be tempting to try to change everything at once.

Yet meaningful change often begins with one specific relationship and one achievable goal.

You might decide to respond to a message rather than avoid it, express a preference you would usually keep to yourself, invite someone for a coffee or revisit a conversation that ended badly.

Before taking a step, you could consider:

• What would I like to be different in this relationship?
• What am I worried might happen?
• What feelings might arise, and how could I manage them?
• What would a healthy boundary look like here?
• What is one small action I could take?
• How will I know whether the response I receive is respectful and safe?

You can then reflect on what you learned, rather than judging the attempt solely by whether everything went as hoped.

A positive outcome might be that the relationship becomes closer. It might also be discovering that you can express yourself more clearly, tolerate uncertainty or recognise that another person is not able to offer the relationship you had hoped for.

Both experiences can help you understand your needs and make more informed choices.

Bringing STAIR skills together

In earlier articles, we have previously explored emotional awareness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, assertiveness and managing power in relationships.

This brings these skills together in the context of connection.

Emotional awareness can help you recognise when you are withdrawing or becoming anxious about closeness. Emotional regulation and distress tolerance can support you in managing the feelings that arise when you try something new.

Assertiveness can help you communicate your needs and boundaries, while recognising power dynamics can help you consider whether a relationship offers the respect and safety you need.

These skills do not remove every risk from relationships. Nor can they guarantee that other people will respond as we hope.

Instead, they can help us approach relationships with greater awareness, flexibility and choice.

We can begin to notice when an old protective pattern is influencing our response, consider what we need in the present and decide whether there is a safe opportunity to do something differently.

A final thought: connection without losing yourself

Wanting connection while also wanting to protect yourself is not a contradiction. Both needs matter.

If you have learned to keep people at a distance, you may need time and support to discover that some relationships can offer care, reliability and mutual respect.

If you have become accustomed to prioritising other people, you may need to practise recognising your own needs and allowing yourself to remain an individual within a close relationship.

Healthy intimacy does not require us to abandon our boundaries. Healthy independence does not require us to live without support.

We can move towards connection while remaining ourselves. We can learn to let people closer without giving up our right to safety, choice and individuality.

The process may involve uncertainty, and progress may be gradual. Each manageable step can help us discover more about the relationships we want to build and the ways we can participate in them.

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About the author

Lisa Harris is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and consultant, and a Qualified Traumatologist. Her work explores trauma, emotional well-being and the ways therapeutic relationships can support understanding, choice and change.

This article is for educational purposes. It introduces themes explored within STAIR and is not a substitute for individual assessment, therapy or participation in a structured treatment programme. Communication and relationship skills should never be used to excuse abuse or coercion. Where a relationship is unsafe, personal safety and appropriate support must take priority.

STAIR is one of several trauma treatment approaches Lisa is trained to offer.

Lisa Harris Psychotherapy | Clinical Supervision | Consultancy
Qualified Traumatologist
Online appointments via Zoom
www.lisaharris.uk

Further reading: Cloitre, M., Cohen, L. R., Ortigo, K. M., Jackson, C. and Koenen, K. C. (2020). Treating Survivors of Childhood Abuse and Interpersonal Trauma: STAIR Narrative Therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.