STAIR Narrative Therapy: 7. The Resource of Connection — Learning to Be Assertive

Exploring how trauma can affect our ability to express ourselves, why assertiveness can feel difficult, and how we can learn to communicate our needs with greater confidence.

Have you ever agreed to something when you really wanted to say no?

Perhaps you have kept quiet about something that upset you because you were worried about causing an argument. Maybe you have apologised for expressing a reasonable need, or found yourself becoming increasingly frustrated because you feel that other people are not listening.

For some people, expressing needs and preferences feels relatively straightforward. For others, particularly those who have experienced trauma, intimidation or relationships in which their boundaries were not respected, being assertive can feel uncomfortable or even unsafe.

In this seventh article in my STAIR Narrative Therapy series, I explore assertiveness: what it means, why it can be difficult to develop, and how learning to communicate more clearly can support healthier relationships.

What does it mean to be assertive?

Assertiveness means standing up for our rights and expressing our needs, feelings and preferences in a way that respects both ourselves and other people.

It is not about getting our own way at any cost. Nor does it require us to be confrontational, forceful or confident in every situation.

Instead, assertiveness involves recognising that our needs matter and finding ways to communicate them clearly and respectfully.

For example, being assertive might mean telling a friend that a comment hurt your feelings, asking for help when you need it, expressing a different opinion or explaining that you are unable to take on another responsibility.

It can also mean saying no, changing your mind or asking for something to be done differently.

These may sound like ordinary parts of everyday communication, but they can feel surprisingly difficult when we have learned that expressing ourselves leads to criticism, rejection or conflict.

Why can assertiveness feel difficult after trauma?

Our early experiences can influence how we learn to communicate our needs and respond to the needs of others.

If we grew up in an environment where disagreement was met with anger, where our feelings were dismissed or where other people regularly made decisions for us, we may have learned that it was safer to remain quiet or comply.

We might have discovered that anticipating another person’s needs helped us avoid conflict, or that expressing a preference brought consequences we wanted to avoid.

These responses may have served an important purpose at the time. When someone has limited power or depends on another person for safety and care, speaking up may not feel like a realistic option.

However, the beliefs developed in those circumstances can sometimes continue into adulthood, even when we are in relationships where greater choice is possible.

We may worry that asking for something is selfish, that saying no makes us difficult or that expressing disagreement will cause someone to reject us.

Understanding where these fears may have developed can help us approach ourselves with compassion rather than criticism.

The difficulty is not necessarily that we do not know what we want to say. Sometimes, it is that expressing it brings up feelings and expectations that make speaking up feel difficult.

Assertiveness is different from being passive or aggressive

STAIR explores the differences between assertive, non-assertive and aggressive ways of communicating.

Non-assertive behaviour involves not expressing our needs, rights or preferences directly. We might agree when we do not want to, avoid raising concerns or allow others to make decisions that affect us without sharing our own views.

Over time, this can leave us feeling hurt, anxious, resentful or disappointed in ourselves.

Aggressive behaviour involves expressing our needs or pursuing our rights at the expense of others, perhaps through hostility, intimidation or inappropriate outbursts.

This can damage relationships and leave people feeling frightened, angry or guilty.

Assertive behaviour seeks to express our needs and preferences clearly while respecting the rights of others. It can help us communicate more honestly, develop confidence and make choices that better reflect what matters to us.

These categories describe behaviours rather than fixed personality types. A person may communicate assertively in one situation and find it much harder in another.

Sometimes, people who have difficulty expressing their needs may become increasingly frustrated until that frustration comes out in an angry or disproportionate reaction. Understanding this cycle can help us recognise why developing more direct and consistent communication may be useful.

The aim is not to judge ourselves for how we have communicated in the past, but to explore other options.

Recognising our personal rights

An important part of assertiveness is recognising that we are entitled to have needs, feelings and preferences of our own.

This can be particularly significant for people who have experienced interpersonal trauma or relationships in which their autonomy was repeatedly undermined.

We may need to remind ourselves that we have the right to say no, ask for help, express feelings, make mistakes, change our minds and hold opinions that differ from those of other people.

We also have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, to have personal space and time, and to live without abuse.

These rights do not mean that we will always get what we ask for, or that other people must agree with our opinions. Other people have rights and boundaries too.

Rather, recognising our own rights means understanding that we are allowed to participate in decisions that affect us and to express our needs without automatically treating them as less important than everyone else’s.

For someone who has spent years putting other people first, even considering these possibilities can be a significant step.

Communicating how we feel: the value of “I messages”

One approach explored in STAIR is the use of “I messages” to communicate the impact of another person’s behaviour.

Rather than attacking someone’s character or making assumptions about their motives, an “I message” focuses on what happened, how we felt and the consequences for us.

For example, someone might say:

“When our plans changed without being discussed with me, I felt disappointed because I had organised my day around them.”

This communicates the experience directly without automatically accusing the other person of being inconsiderate or deliberately hurtful.

The intention is to make communication clearer and reduce the likelihood that the other person will feel personally attacked.

It does not guarantee that they will respond well, and it does not mean that we must soften or minimise our feelings to keep someone else comfortable.

Our feelings are important information. Learning to express them respectfully can help us communicate what matters to us and give the other person a clearer understanding of our experience.

There are times when a direct conversation may not be safe or appropriate. Assertiveness should always be considered in the context of the relationship and the circumstances.

Learning to ask for what we need

Asking for something can feel surprisingly vulnerable.

We may worry that the other person will think we are demanding, that they will refuse or that asking will expose us to disappointment.

Sometimes, we avoid asking altogether because we assume we already know the answer.

Assertive communication involves recognising what we need and considering how to express it clearly and specifically.

For example, rather than hoping someone notices that we are struggling, we might explain what support would be helpful. Instead of becoming frustrated when plans are unclear, we might ask for the information we need.

Making a request does not mean the other person is obliged to agree. However, expressing it gives both people an opportunity to understand the situation and consider what may be possible.

It can also help us distinguish between asking for something and demanding it. We can communicate a genuine need while recognising that another person may have their own limits or circumstances.

Learning to say no

For some people, saying no is one of the most difficult parts of assertiveness.

We may feel responsible for other people’s feelings, fear disappointing them or worry that refusing a request will damage the relationship.

As a result, we may agree to things we do not have the time, energy or desire to do. We might then feel overwhelmed or resentful, while the other person may not realise that we were uncomfortable with the arrangement.

Learning to say no can involve recognising our own limits and communicating them clearly.

Sometimes, a simple and respectful refusal is enough. In other situations, particularly when we want to maintain the relationship, we may wish to explain briefly or suggest an alternative.

If we tend to agree automatically, allowing ourselves time to think before answering can be helpful. We do not always need to give an immediate response.

It is also important to recognise that we cannot control how another person reacts to our boundaries. Someone may be disappointed, disagree with us or respond negatively.

Their reaction does not automatically mean that our boundary was unreasonable.

Equally, assertiveness does not require us to keep explaining ourselves indefinitely or to negotiate with someone who is intimidating or abusive. Our safety matters, and sometimes the most appropriate response is to disengage or seek support.

Practising new ways of communicating

Understanding assertiveness intellectually is not always enough to make it feel comfortable in practice.

If we have spent years avoiding conflict or putting other people first, speaking up may initially feel unfamiliar. We might become anxious, struggle to find the right words or worry about what the other person will think.

Within STAIR, this provides an opportunity to explore real-life interpersonal situations and consider how alternative responses might look and feel.

Therapeutic practice can help someone experiment with different ways of communicating, reflect on their experience and consider what might work better for their particular goals.

The intention is not to find one perfect sentence or a single correct way to behave. It is to develop flexibility and confidence in choosing how to respond.

Assertiveness is a skill, and skills can be learned and strengthened over time.

Assertiveness is about choice, not control

Becoming more assertive does not mean that every conversation will go smoothly or that other people will always respond positively.

We cannot control another person’s feelings, thoughts or behaviour. We can, however, work towards expressing ourselves more clearly and making decisions that reflect our own needs and values.

Sometimes, being assertive may improve understanding and strengthen a relationship. At other times, it may reveal that the other person is unwilling to respect our needs or boundaries.

That information can be important too.

The aim is not to make every relationship work at any cost. It is to create more room for honesty, choice and mutual respect, while recognising when a relationship does not offer those things.

A final thought

Learning to be assertive can involve much more than finding the right words. It may require us to reconsider long-held beliefs about whether our needs matter, whether we are allowed to disagree and whether expressing ourselves will inevitably lead to rejection or conflict.

For people whose experiences have taught them to remain quiet or put others first, this can be a gradual process.

We do not have to become confrontational or abandon our care for other people. We can learn to extend that care to ourselves too.

You are allowed to have needs, express your feelings and say no. Being considerate of other people does not require you to disappear from the relationship.

In the next article in my STAIR series, I will continue exploring interpersonal relationships and how we can begin developing healthier, more flexible ways of connecting with others.

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About the author

Lisa Harris is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and consultant, and a Qualified Traumatologist. Her work explores trauma, emotional well-being and the ways therapeutic relationships can support understanding, choice and change.

This article is for educational purposes. It introduces themes explored within STAIR and is not a substitute for individual assessment, therapy or participation in a structured treatment programme. Assertiveness is not always safe or appropriate in every situation; where abuse, coercion or intimidation is present, personal safety and specialist support must take priority.

STAIR is one of several trauma treatment approaches Lisa is trained to offer.

Further reading: Cloitre, M., Cohen, L. R., Ortigo, K. M., Jackson, C. and Koenen, K. C. (2020). Treating Survivors of Childhood Abuse and Interpersonal Trauma: STAIR Narrative Therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.