Why Is Leaving So Difficult? Understanding the Complexity of Domestic Abuse

Exploring attachment, fear, hope and the practical realities that can make leaving an abusive relationship far more complicated than it might appear from the outside.

One of the questions people often ask when they learn that someone is experiencing domestic abuse is: “Why don’t they just leave?”

It is a question that may come from genuine concern. Friends and family may feel frightened, frustrated or helpless when they see someone they care about being hurt. They may struggle to understand why the person remains in a relationship that appears to be causing them so much distress.

But the question itself can overlook something important.

Leaving an abusive relationship is not simply a decision to end a relationship. Depending on the circumstances, it can involve emotional loss, practical difficulties, financial insecurity, concerns about safety and the challenge of rebuilding a life that may have become increasingly restricted.

It may also mean letting go of a future the person had hoped for, confronting painful realities and making decisions while already experiencing considerable psychological distress.

For some people, leaving feels impossible. For others, it may be possible but frightening, complicated or unsafe to attempt without support.

And for many, the process is not straightforward or linear.

Understanding why leaving can be difficult requires us to look beyond the decision itself and consider the circumstances surrounding it.

Love and abuse can exist within the same relationship

One of the things that can be difficult for people outside an abusive relationship to understand is that someone may genuinely love the person who is hurting them.

The relationship may have begun with affection, connection, shared interests and plans for the future. There may have been years of companionship, meaningful experiences and times when the person felt deeply loved.

Those experiences do not necessarily disappear simply because the relationship becomes harmful.

Someone may recognise that their partner’s behaviour is frightening or controlling while still feeling emotionally attached to them. They may miss the person they first fell in love with, remember happier periods or believe that the relationship can return to how it once was.

They may also be grieving the loss of what they thought their future would look like.

Leaving can therefore involve holding two apparently conflicting realities: caring about someone and recognising that the relationship is harming you.

This can create considerable emotional conflict.

The person may move between wanting the relationship to end and desperately hoping things will change. They may feel relief at the thought of leaving, followed by sadness, guilt or fear.

These feelings do not mean that the abuse was insignificant or that the person has failed to recognise what is happening.

They reflect the complexity of attachment, love, loss and human relationships.

We cannot assume that recognising harm will automatically dissolve the emotional bonds that have developed over time.

Hope can be powerful

Hope is another important part of the picture.

Perhaps the other person has apologised, expressed remorse or promised that things will be different. Perhaps there have been periods of genuine improvement, leaving the person wondering whether the relationship can still be repaired.

They may believe that if they can communicate more effectively, avoid certain subjects or understand their partner better, the difficulties will eventually resolve.

Sometimes they may be holding on to the possibility of change because acknowledging that the relationship is unlikely to become safe or healthy feels devastating.

Hope is not inherently harmful. It can be an important part of human resilience and our capacity to imagine a different future.

However, when someone repeatedly experiences harmful behaviour followed by apologies or promises that do not lead to lasting change, hope can make it harder to decide what to do next.

They may find themselves waiting for the next period of improvement, believing that the person they love is still there and that things might finally be different.

The important question is not whether someone is foolish for hoping.

It is whether the pattern of behaviour is changing in a sustained way, and whether the relationship is becoming safer and more respectful.

Someone can hope that a relationship will change while also being deeply affected by what is happening in the present.

Both experiences deserve to be understood.

Fear and safety matter

For some people, the greatest barrier to leaving is fear.

They may worry about how their partner will react if they end the relationship. They may fear threats, intimidation, harassment or violence. They may be concerned about what will happen to their children, their pets, their home or their financial security.

In some circumstances, the period around separation can involve increased risk, particularly where there has been coercive control, stalking, threats or previous violence.

This is one reason it is so important not to assume that leaving is automatically the safest or simplest immediate option.

Someone may be thinking carefully about when and how to leave, what support they would need and how to protect themselves and others.

They may be gathering information, speaking to specialist services or trying to establish somewhere safe to go.

From the outside, this preparation may look like indecision.

In reality, it may be part of how they are trying to manage a potentially dangerous situation.

If someone is frightened about what might happen if they leave, encouraging them to make a sudden decision without considering their circumstances may not be helpful.

Specialist domestic abuse services can support people to explore their options and consider safety planning that reflects their individual situation.

There is no single plan that is right for everyone.

Financial dependence and practical barriers

Leaving a relationship can also involve practical challenges that are easy to underestimate.

A person may have limited access to money, be financially dependent on their partner or have joint debts and financial commitments.

They may have children to care for, a mortgage or tenancy to manage, or concerns about finding somewhere affordable to live.

They may have a disability, chronic health condition or other circumstances that make moving, working or managing independently more difficult.

Perhaps their partner controls household finances or has undermined their ability to maintain employment. Perhaps they have been isolated from family and friends who might otherwise have helped.

Even where someone is determined to leave, these practical realities can make the process considerably more complicated.

It is not enough to tell someone that their safety matters if they have no clear idea where they could go, how they would support themselves or how they would manage their immediate responsibilities.

Practical support can be just as important as emotional support.

Housing advice, financial guidance, specialist domestic abuse services and trusted personal contacts may all have a role to play, depending on the person’s circumstances.

Understanding these barriers helps us move away from judging someone for remaining in a relationship and towards asking what would make their options more achievable.

When confidence has been eroded

As explored in the previous articles in this series, domestic abuse can gradually undermine a person’s confidence, independence and sense of self.

Someone who has experienced repeated criticism, manipulation or coercive control may have become accustomed to questioning their own judgement.

They may no longer feel confident making decisions independently. They may worry that they are overreacting, that they will regret leaving or that they will be unable to manage on their own.

They may have been told repeatedly that they are incapable, unreasonable or responsible for the problems within the relationship.

Over time, these messages can affect how they see themselves and what they believe they can achieve.

The thought of leaving may therefore involve more than the practical task of ending a relationship. It may require them to contemplate a future at a time when their confidence in their own abilities has been significantly affected.

They may need time and support to recognise their strengths, consider their options and begin to believe that a different life is possible.

This is not about suggesting that people experiencing abuse lack strength.

In fact, many are working extraordinarily hard to manage difficult and frightening circumstances, often while continuing to work, parent, care for others and maintain the appearance that everything is fine.

The difficulty may not be a lack of strength, but the cumulative effect of living in circumstances that have restricted their freedom and undermined their confidence.

What about family, children and other relationships?

Decisions about leaving may become even more complicated when children, family members or other significant relationships are involved.

A parent may worry about the emotional impact of separation on their children, where they will live or how contact arrangements will work.

They may fear losing contact with people who matter to them or being drawn into prolonged conflict.

Someone may also feel responsible for their partner’s well-being. They may worry about leaving a person who is unwell, isolated or struggling with their own difficulties.

These concerns can create additional layers of guilt and uncertainty.

It is important to recognise that caring about another person’s well-being does not mean someone is responsible for managing that person’s behaviour or remaining in a relationship that is harming them.

Equally, we should avoid assuming that every situation has an obvious solution.

Family circumstances, safeguarding concerns and legal considerations can be complex. Individual advice may be necessary, particularly where children or immediate safety concerns are involved.

A compassionate response allows space for someone to talk through these concerns without being pressured into a decision they are not ready or able to make.

Leaving is not always a single event

We sometimes talk about leaving as though it is one clear moment: a decision is made, the relationship ends and the person begins a new life.

For some people, that is broadly what happens.

For others, the process may involve several attempts, periods of separation, renewed contact or changes in circumstances that make it difficult to remain apart.

Someone may leave and later return. They may end the relationship emotionally before they are able to leave physically. They may continue to have contact because of children, finances, housing or other shared responsibilities.

They may also experience abuse after separation.

None of these circumstances automatically means that the person has not understood the harm they have experienced.

Leaving and remaining safe can involve different challenges, and the end of a relationship does not necessarily end the other person’s attempts to exert control.

It is important to resist the temptation to interpret every change of direction as a failure.

Instead, we can recognise that people are navigating complex emotional, practical and safety considerations, often with limited resources and considerable pressure.

Support should remain available whether someone is considering leaving, preparing to leave, has already left or is unsure what they want to do next.

How can we support someone who is experiencing domestic abuse?

If someone tells you that they are experiencing domestic abuse, your response can make a significant difference to whether they feel able to continue talking.

It is natural to want to protect someone you care about. You may feel angry about what is happening or desperate for them to recognise that the relationship is harmful.

However, statements such as “Why don’t you just leave?” or “I would never put up with that” can unintentionally increase feelings of shame or isolation.

The person may already be questioning their decisions and feeling embarrassed about their circumstances. They may fear being judged or worry that you will become frustrated if they are not ready to take the steps you think they should take.

Instead, try to listen without judgement.

You might say:

• “I’m glad you’ve told me.”
• “You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
• “I’m here to listen, even if you don’t know what you want to do yet.”
• “What would help you feel safer or more supported at the moment?”
• “Would it be helpful to explore what support is available?”

You do not need to have all the answers.

You can offer practical help where appropriate, encourage contact with specialist services and respect the person’s autonomy while taking immediate safety concerns seriously.

If you believe someone is in immediate danger, emergency assistance may be necessary.

Above all, try not to make your support conditional on them leaving. Someone experiencing abuse should not have to make a particular decision to deserve compassion and help.

The role of psychotherapy

Psychotherapy can provide a space in which someone can explore the emotional complexity of an abusive relationship without being judged or rushed.

This may involve exploring attachment, grief, fear, guilt, hope and the impact of prolonged stress. It may also involve making sense of patterns of behaviour, rebuilding confidence and considering what safety, autonomy and well-being might mean for the individual.

The work needs to recognise that someone may be experiencing abuse while still feeling emotionally connected to the person responsible.

It should not assume that leaving is a simple decision or that a person who remains in a relationship has failed to understand what is happening.

Where abuse is ongoing, safety, risk and practical circumstances need to remain central. Psychotherapy should not replace specialist domestic abuse support, and a therapist should avoid placing pressure on a client to take actions that may not be safe or achievable in their current circumstances.

The therapeutic relationship can instead offer a place to think, reflect and explore options at a manageable pace.

For some people, this involves preparing for change. For others, it involves understanding their experiences or finding support to manage their immediate circumstances.

There is no single therapeutic pathway, and the person’s needs, choices and safety must remain central.

Moving from judgement to understanding

When we ask why someone does not leave an abusive relationship, we may believe we are asking a practical question.

But the question can carry an unspoken assumption: that leaving is an obvious choice, readily available to anyone who recognises that a relationship is harmful.

For many people, the reality is much more complicated.

They may be balancing love and fear, hope and disappointment, financial insecurity and practical responsibilities, while trying to make decisions in circumstances that may have gradually reduced their freedom.

They may need time, information, practical resources and support before they can make changes safely.

Understanding this does not mean minimising the seriousness of domestic abuse.

It means recognising that the responsibility for abuse belongs to the person choosing to behave abusively, not to the person who is struggling to navigate its consequences.

Instead of asking why someone stays, we can ask what they are experiencing, what barriers they face and what might help them feel safer and more supported.

That change in perspective matters.

It allows us to respond with compassion rather than blame, and to offer support without demanding that someone demonstrate their readiness to leave.

A final thought

Leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the most significant and difficult decisions a person faces.

It may involve grief for the relationship they wanted, fear about the future, practical barriers and concerns about safety. It may also involve rebuilding confidence after a prolonged period of feeling controlled, criticised or uncertain about their own judgement.

There is no single explanation for why someone stays, leaves, returns or takes time to make a decision.

What matters is that people experiencing domestic abuse deserve to be listened to, taken seriously and supported without judgement.

We do not have to understand every aspect of someone’s situation to offer compassion. And we do not have to agree with every decision someone makes to continue supporting them.

If you or someone you know is affected by domestic abuse in the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available free, 24 hours a day, on 0808 2000 247. You can also visit nationaldahelpline.org.uk. In an emergency, call 999. If you are concerned that your phone or internet use may be monitored, seek support using a device you know is safe.

October is Domestic Abuse awareness month. This article is intended for information and reflection. It is not a substitute for individual psychological assessment, legal advice or specialist domestic abuse support.