STAIR Narrative Therapy: 2. The Resource of Feeling — Understanding Emotional Awareness

Exploring how recognising and naming our emotions can help us understand ourselves, our experiences and our relationships.

Have you ever been asked how you feel and found yourself unable to answer?

Perhaps you know something is wrong, but you cannot quite put it into words. Maybe you experience emotions so intensely that they feel overwhelming, or you find yourself feeling numb and disconnected from what is happening inside you.

For some people, identifying feelings comes naturally. For others, particularly those whose emotions were ignored, dismissed or difficult to express in earlier relationships, it can take time to develop this awareness.

In this second article in my STAIR Narrative Therapy series, I explore emotional awareness: why feelings matter, how we can begin to recognise them, and how understanding our emotional experiences can support recovery following trauma.

Why do our feelings matter?

Our emotions are an important source of information.

They can alert us to potential danger, help us recognise what matters to us, influence our decisions and communicate our needs to others.

For example, anxiety might alert us to something that feels uncertain or threatening. Anger might signal that something feels unfair or that a boundary has been crossed. Sadness may reflect loss, disappointment or a need for connection.

Emotions do not always tell us exactly what is happening, and they are not infallible evidence that a situation is safe or unsafe. However, learning to notice and understand them can help us make more informed decisions.

Feelings can also help us discover what we value, what we enjoy and what we want from our lives and relationships.

Emotional awareness is therefore about more than recognising difficult feelings. It can also help us reconnect with pleasure, interest, preferences and the experiences that make life meaningful.

When recognising feelings is difficult

Traumatic experiences can affect our relationship with emotions.

Some people experience intense feelings that seem difficult to manage. Others learn to suppress their emotions or disconnect from them as a way of coping.

Someone might recognise physical discomfort without knowing whether they feel frightened, angry or upset. Another person may describe feeling fine, only to discover later that they have been carrying considerable distress.

These responses can develop for different reasons. When emotions have previously been met with criticism, dismissal, punishment or a lack of care, expressing them may not have felt safe.

Over time, someone may learn to hide their feelings, question their perceptions or prioritise other people’s emotional needs.

This does not mean they have lost the ability to understand themselves. Emotional awareness is a skill that can be developed, with time, practice and appropriate support.

The aim is not to judge how someone has learned to cope, but to create opportunities to understand their experiences differently.

Starting with the body, thoughts and behaviour

Within STAIR, emotional experiences are explored through three connected channels: the body, thoughts and behaviour.

These channels can help us make sense of an emotion, particularly when identifying a feeling directly is difficult.

• The body: What physical sensations do you notice? Perhaps your heart is racing, your muscles are tense or your breathing has changed.
• Thoughts: What is going through your mind? Are you worrying about what might happen, telling yourself that something is unfair or questioning whether you have done something wrong?
• Behaviour: What do you feel inclined to do, or what do you actually do? You might withdraw, become defensive, seek reassurance or avoid a situation.

These elements influence one another. A change in our thoughts or behaviour can affect how we feel physically, just as bodily sensations can influence our thoughts and responses.

For example, imagine receiving an unexpected message from someone important to you.

You might notice your heart beating faster. Your thoughts may turn towards what the message could mean, and you might feel an urge to respond immediately or avoid opening it altogether.

By becoming curious about these different elements, you may begin to recognise whether anxiety, excitement, fear or another emotion is present.

There is no need to arrive at the perfect answer straight away. The purpose is to become more aware of the information available to you.

Learning to name our emotions

Sometimes, people use broad descriptions such as fine, upset or stressed because they do not yet have words for the more specific feelings they experience.

There may be several emotions present at once. You might feel angry and hurt, relieved and sad, or excited and frightened.

Learning to distinguish between feelings can help make an experience feel less confusing. It can also help us understand what we need and how we might want to respond.

For instance, recognising that you feel disappointed rather than simply angry may change how you understand an interaction. Noticing that anxiety is connected to uncertainty may help you identify what information or reassurance you need.

This process takes practice. It can be especially challenging if you have spent many years disconnected from your feelings or unsure whether they can be trusted.

Within STAIR, emotional awareness is developed gradually, with support to notice feelings, explore their context and consider how they relate to thoughts, bodily sensations and behaviour.

The emphasis is on curiosity rather than criticism.

Building a different relationship with feelings

Developing emotional awareness does not mean that every feeling needs to be acted upon or that difficult emotions will disappear.

It means becoming more able to recognise what you are experiencing and consider what that experience might be telling you.

Over time, this can support greater confidence in decision-making and communication. It may help you identify when you need rest, when something matters to you or when a relationship is affecting your wellbeing.

It can also help you recognise positive experiences and preferences, rather than focusing only on distress or potential danger.

Importantly, feelings are information, not instructions. We can acknowledge an emotion while still choosing how to respond in a way that reflects our values, circumstances and safety.

This distinction can create more room for choice.

A gradual process of self-discovery

In STAIR, emotional awareness is a foundation for the skills explored in later sessions. Before we can develop ways of managing difficult feelings, it helps to understand what those feelings are, how they show up and what tends to happen in response.

This work is collaborative and individualised. It recognises that people have different experiences and that exploring emotions can sometimes feel uncomfortable.

There is no expectation to uncover everything at once or to make sense of every feeling immediately.

Learning to recognise your emotions is not about becoming more emotional. It is about becoming more aware of your experience, so you have greater choice in how you respond.

In the next article, I will continue exploring the STAIR skills-training sessions and look at how we can begin to understand and respond to emotional experiences in ways that support our wellbeing.

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About the author

Lisa Harris is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and consultant, and a Qualified Traumatologist. Her work explores trauma, emotional wellbeing and the ways therapeutic relationships can support understanding, choice and change.

This article is for educational purposes. It introduces themes explored within STAIR and is not a substitute for individual assessment, therapy or participation in a structured treatment programme. STAIR is one of several trauma treatment approaches Lisa is trained to offer.

Further reading: Cloitre, M., Cohen, L. R., Ortigo, K. M., Jackson, C. and Koenen, K. C. (2020). Treating Survivors of Childhood Abuse and Interpersonal Trauma: STAIR Narrative Therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.